A Decade and Year In Review

Well, I haven’t written anything in my blog or my journal in a very long time. I just couldn’t… it wasn’t because I didn’t want to… I wanted to but I just didn’t have the strength within me to do it. After what happened with Stephen and all of the negativity that I forced into my journal, the writing was no longer therapeutic. It was torture, slow painful torture. It didn’t help me to let anything go, it simply reopened and salted the wound. It was the only way I had to deal with those feelings. Nevertheless, that time has thankfully passed. I won’t try to convince any of you that I’m 100% whole and healed, because I’m not. Anyone close to me knows this to be true. While things do get a little easier each day, they remain difficult. I’m not totally sure why I’ve chosen to author this blog, but those of you who are new to my life will have a better understanding of where I come from after reading it, if you so choose because while it is not a review of political events or our history as people, it’s a review of my history.

I cannot believe that we just started a new decade. I remember being in high school ten years ago and having my DCT instructor, Mrs. Cole, ask us this question: “Where do you think and what will you be doing in ten years?” It was one of those questions that I didn’t give much thought to, aside from writing the essay that I had been assigned. The predictions that I wrote however, I was convinced were dead-on accurate. I believed that I was to graduate from the WVU College of Engineering and Mineral Resources as a computer scientist. I believed that my internship with NASA would become a career. I believed that the girl I loved in high school would become my wife and that a perfect fairy tale would unfold. I assure you that I never believed that I would become an EMT-Basic and eventually a Paramedic and be working in Greene County, Pennsylvania. It’s amazing how people, outlooks, and paths change given any amount of time.

I remember when I first embarked on my journey through higher education and attended WVU. What a disaster that turned out to be. Computer science, computer engineering, forensic science, biology, nursing, and communications: that is the complete list of the majors that I had racked up during my failed time there. It wasn’t long after I started there that I attended EMT-Basic class and my life was changed dramatically and forever. I gave five years of my life to a company and a hospital that didn’t want to give me anything in return. I sacrificed the years of my life that were supposed to be fun and exciting and dedicated them to the assistance of others. Did that make me a hero? No… but it sure was fun believing that I could go out and save the world and make a difference in someone else’s life. After realizing that WVU wasn’t the answer for further my career and education, I found the Pennsylvania State University’s EMS program… and I will cherish my time there forever. I became a Paramedic and found my way to EMS Southwest. I have friends there that have become family. I love them and would do anything for them, not just because they would do the same for me, but because they are truly good and wonderful people. There is not a single person at EMS Southwest or any EMS service who does not make many personal sacrifices on a daily basis to do what we do.

I am still in college, and I feel like that may never change. I know that the journey of learning never ends, but damn… I’m ready to be done for a while. I’m working on my BS in allied healthcare administration and I’m not even sure where that will take me. Do I want to do an MBA? Yes, most likely. Would I love to go back to medical school? Of course, because I know I have what it takes to do it, but I don’t think I can make that kind of commitment now. Regardless, I know that I want to continue to try and obtain a better life for myself. No matter where I end up though, I know that I will always be tied to the words: Paramedic Unit. It’s what I do, and no matter how frustrated I may get at 2:30 AM when someone calls 911 because they are “under stress,” and “need that fintinillll(sic),” I still love what I do and wouldn’t trade it for the world because I touch lives. I haven’t in the past and likely will never in the future save the life of every patient, but I touch each one regardless of the outcome of the call.

Ah love, it’s a tricky (sometimes sticky ha… ha… ha…) subject, and one that I will only touch on briefly here, but it’s something that I must discuss given the nature of what I’m writing. While there are many, many, many different types of love, there are three types that I want to touch on in particular. I have so many close friends that I consider to be family members now. I know I could turn to many of you if I needed anything, and of course the favor would be reciprocated. I love my close friends and would do anything for them. In fact I remember telling someone I consider my baby sister that, “I would fight to my last breath to protect you.” These types of relationships don’t come around very often but I have many and for that I will be forever grateful. As far as my biological family goes, we are all much closer now, but I think it’s so sad that it took my mom’s declining health to get us to all come together. There was a time when I pushed my family away and I regret that because you can’t change the past and you can’t get that time back. Now to romantic love, the stuff of dreams, the passion that everyone, myself more than most, hopes to discover and cultivate into a lasting and fulfilling relationship. I’ve had three major loves in my life, and each had its own particular ups and downs, but… I’m not even sure what to say about them all. I just know that there has to be something better and it has to get easier. I hope so anyway. Matty was truly the love of my life, he was who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and then, in a whisper, everything was gone, destroyed, vanished… and all because of a stupid mistake and feelings. Stephen was the one that I thought had redeeming power and would effectively fill the void that was left in my life. I was wrong and misjudged everything. It’s amazing how deceitful people can be and blind we can be. Regardless, I suppose everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t know what that reason is.

In 2009 I obtained an Xbox 360 (the first gaming console I’ve owned since a Sega Genesis), got new furniture, got an AWESOME apartment, and fell in love with the sport we all know and love called golf. I also started a movie prop collection… yes; I know most of this was random. I’m not totally sure where my life is going to take me. I sit on my couch at this very moment and ponder my future. If I asked myself the same question that Mrs. Cole asked me ten years ago, I don’t have an answer. That would have scared me ten years ago, but now, well… it just makes me more curious than anything. All I know is this, I hope 2010 and this new decade beyond brings all of us much joy, happiness, and prosperity. The shift that I worked last night was ridiculously hard on my co-workers and me. However, I think this story is appropriate to tell. I had been dispatched to treat a very sick patient who was unresponsive. The patient slipped into a coma and despite all of the treatments I provided, I feared she wasn’t going to wake up. After transporting her to the emergency department for stabilization, I again was poised to take care of her during her transfer to a higher level of care. Her physician feared that a CVA had occurred in the brainstem and that she wouldn’t ever be conscious again, but I approached her as I approach most patients. I touched her arm and spoke her name. Much to my joy and amazement, as well as the amazement of the ED staff, the patient awoke from her coma without any deficits, looked at me, and smiled. If this story is any indication of how 2010 and beyond will be, I am most pleased and more excited than words can describe. While I realize that we will all have our ups and downs, life is good regardless of the difficult times.

“There’s only one thing about life we can be sure of ... it ain't over, till it's over …” – Meredith Grey, MD

Final Preparations and Farewell

Well, we finally had our last class on Tuesday.  It's almost hard to believe.  It seems like just yesterday we started class even though it was months ago.  We discussed our final exam and Maggy reviewed many of the social theories that were discussed over the semester. We take our final exam tomorrow night and part of me will truly miss this course.  There aren't many classes that have the flare and the kind of discussions we have had.

All in all, I've learned a lot this semester, a good bit about myself, but a lot about society as a whole.  Tomorrow is my last final exam and I am poised to receive straight A's this semester if all goes well, and I am most pleased because this is a feat I haven't accomplished in many years.  I may continue to write in my blog, but I'm not sure yet.  After the trials of my past summer... well I kind of got away from writing, but that's a story and a blog for another time... Good night my friends, and good luck!

Coming to a Close and a visit from Harold and Kumar...

Well this week in class we discussed our final projects.  I already turned mine in because I wasn't sure when it was due.  I did my PowerPoint presentation on "The Producers".  It was a really enjoyable project and I had lots of fun creating it.  I only have one final to go for the semester and am working on one final project.  I'm happy about both of those things.

After we discussed our final projects and viewed final race presentations, we watched "Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle."  The movie is a stoner flick that has many blatantly overt messages on race, class, and gender.

The film starts out showing a very confident and aggressive Kumar who enjoys smoking marijuana in large quantities while systematically avoiding admission to medical school.  Harold works as an investment banker who doesn't display many masculine characteristics.  The movie is basically a coming of age story for Harold, who in the end, confronts his foes, gets the girl, and becomes the dominating man society says he should be!

We are preparing for the final and will watch one final film on Tuesday.  I'm really looking forward to break.  Now I'm going to finish watching "Batman and Robin" on NetFlix and then try to force myself to work on my English project.

Group Presentations and Final Preperations

This week's class was pretty short.  Maggy was ill so she let us out early.  We presented our group projects and they were very informative.  Each group had a particular racial or ethnic group that they were assigned.  We then researched how each group is portrayed in the media.  Not surprising, but many stereotypes were discovered and discussed.

Our group discussed African-Americans and we presented data from the American Slavery Era, Civil Rights Era, and the present day... We had a lot of fun with our presentation and it seemed to be well received.

It's almost time for our final projects to come due and I think I'm going to try and start on mine sometime next week.  I'm going to watch "The Producers" and discuss its messages on race, gender, and class.  Thanksgiving approaches and we are on break next week.  It's hard to believe that this semester is about to conclude.  It honestly feels like we just started.  Happy Thanksgiving my friends!

The Semester's End Approaches

Ok, so I'm trying to be productive after sitting around the house all day playing Tiger Woods on the Xbox... I just couldn't get any motivation until about an hour ago.  Last night's class was way shorter than normal.  We only have five more classes before the end of the semester.  I'm kind of shocked at how fast it's flown by.

Our end of semester projects are going to be due soon.  I will be keeping a digital portfolio to turn in.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to use the movie "The Producers" by Mel Brooks for my analysis.  It's hilarious and it's also full of race, class, and gender messages.

We got split up into our groups again and we were assigned group projects.  My group will be discussing how African Americans have been portrayed in the mass media, past and present.  We looked up various cartoons and videos for our presentation.  I'll be putting the finishing touches on the Power Point presentation this weekend.  Not much else was discussed.

"Bamboozled" and the Continuing Struggle of Civil Rights...

Well, I'm a day late with this blog. I've been so uber stressed that I just didn't have it in me to finish it up last night before class. Work has been taking a heavy toll on my soul and I feel like my very life force has been drained... Nonetheless, onto the discussion of last week's class...

We watched the film "Bamboozled" which was directed by Spike Lee. It was a very "in your face" kind of film about race, class, and gender. It was almost the perfect movie for us to watch and study. It covered absolutely everything we could want to discuss in class about our three main issues.

Delacroix's superior is Mr. Dunwhittey, the senior vice president at CNS. Dunwhittey informs Delacroix that his writing is weak and too "white". Dunwhittey states that he is blacker than Delacroix is. Delacroix was dissatisfied with the direction CNS and Dunwhittey want to take his writing. So, he comes up with a plan to be relieved of his contract... He decided to write a minstrel show. It would be a show so offensive, that he is sure to be terminated from him duties at CNS and free to pursue other ambitions, although he doesn't mention what those may be.

Minstrel shows are extremely offensive by nature. They imply that African-Americans are essentially not even people. They imply that they are uneducated animals who have the lowest place in society. They imply that African-Americans exist only to be subservient to Caucasians and that they are for the entertainment of society. The audience should find the entire concoction to be negative, starting with the portrayal of African-Americans in their dress, speech, looks, etc. He takes it to an extreme though; he puts African-Americans in black-face. He places them in the old South on a plantation, next to the watermelon patch no less. He called the show "Mantan". His sidekick was called "Sleep and Eat".

Delacroix chose a street performer to portray Mantan because he assumed (rightfully so) that Manray would be easily ‘bought’. Delacroix knew that he was living on the street and in desperate need of some way to earn a living. He also assumed that Manray would not be unconcerned about the larger issues with a minstrel show. Manray didn’t seem to care what he did in the performance initially. He was uneducated about the issue and was striving to meet his basic needs.

Whites and blacks were both part of the audience and seemed to enjoy the show that Delacroix created. There were more minorities in the audience, however. What was ironic is that by the end of the movie, most everyone in the show was in black-face. I think that both groups thought that the show was humorous and were not looking for a deeper message that was being conveyed, whether Delacroix wanted it to be or not.

Lee’s message about being Black in America was clear. While we have made leaps and bounds on the issue of civil rights, there is still a large amount of racism in this country. While much of it is ‘hidden’ in nature, and portrayed in media under the cover of being humorous, it still conveys a message of hate. On a personal note the way the movie ended made me feel extremely guilty for even laughing at the initial and middle parts of the movie. Maggy stated that this was the objective of the movie itself. Lee also implies that many minorities are still ignorant on these issues that directly affect them. They actually affect ALL of us.

Many people in the movie criticize Delacroix himself; a great example is the radio talk show host. Dunwhittey criticizes Delacroix for his previous writings, and states that, “Dude, I’m blacker than you are!” Sloan also criticizes Delacroix for what he has done. He created a monster, despite its success with mainstream audiences (and at the end, Delacroix knows this to be true).

Most of the whites interact with the blacks in the film with respect. Dunwhittey is the only one who seems to be over the top with his racial awareness (or lack thereof). He often states that he is blacker than Delacroix and is highly fascinated with black culture. His portrayal is a mixture. While he uses offensive slang, he does seem very interested with the African-American culture, though he uses them for his own professional and personal gain.

Frankly, I was shocked at the ending. It totally violated my expectations and pretty much all of my schemas. I never expect there to be such a bloodlust. It was a very poignant display of just how race in America is still an explosive issue. I also didn’t expect to see Delacroix’s death at the hands of Sloan, his ex-assistant. I firmly believe that you reap what you sew and hate can only breed more hate. Rage can only breed rage. I was hoping to see Manray rescued and go on to be a champion for civil rights and tolerance. I was also hoping that Delacroix would see the error of his ways and live to stand beside Manray. I think Lee could have made a less violent conclusion of the film; conversely I think the violence was his point. History has shown it is what this kind of racial debauchery can ultimately lead to. To sum up my response in one word: wow.

Overcoming Racial Roadblocks

Last week's class was a very interesting one. It built upon what we discussed in the previous week, so feel free to consult my last blog for background information.

We began class by having each group present detailed Power points on various individuals who were not Caucasian, and have greatly benefitted all of man-kind, not just their particular race. Our group's presentation was on Sitting Bull, less commonly known as Tatanka Yotanka. He was a Sioux Native American war chief that defeated Lt. Colonel Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. He advanced his tribe's cause and resisted oppression from the US government. He eventually retired but was assassinated by US-led forces.

Maggy topped off the class by showing us other unique individuals and court cases that have affected sometimes radically, US policy and law. She discussed how many of the policies of yesteryear would not even be considered today. We've definitely moved forward past racial roadblocks, but others still remain. Race doesn't seem to be the highlighted one today. The battle for equality for sexual minorities seems to be our generation's battlefront. My previous blog on "coming out" has a more detailed discussion on that issue.