Well, I haven’t written anything in my blog or my journal in a very long time. I just couldn’t… it wasn’t because I didn’t want to… I wanted to but I just didn’t have the strength within me to do it. After what happened with Stephen and all of the negativity that I forced into my journal, the writing was no longer therapeutic. It was torture, slow painful torture. It didn’t help me to let anything go, it simply reopened and salted the wound. It was the only way I had to deal with those feelings. Nevertheless, that time has thankfully passed. I won’t try to convince any of you that I’m 100% whole and healed, because I’m not. Anyone close to me knows this to be true. While things do get a little easier each day, they remain difficult. I’m not totally sure why I’ve chosen to author this blog, but those of you who are new to my life will have a better understanding of where I come from after reading it, if you so choose because while it is not a review of political events or our history as people, it’s a review of my history.
I cannot believe that we just started a new decade. I remember being in high school ten years ago and having my DCT instructor, Mrs. Cole, ask us this question: “Where do you think and what will you be doing in ten years?” It was one of those questions that I didn’t give much thought to, aside from writing the essay that I had been assigned. The predictions that I wrote however, I was convinced were dead-on accurate. I believed that I was to graduate from the WVU College of Engineering and Mineral Resources as a computer scientist. I believed that my internship with NASA would become a career. I believed that the girl I loved in high school would become my wife and that a perfect fairy tale would unfold. I assure you that I never believed that I would become an EMT-Basic and eventually a Paramedic and be working in Greene County, Pennsylvania. It’s amazing how people, outlooks, and paths change given any amount of time.
I remember when I first embarked on my journey through higher education and attended WVU. What a disaster that turned out to be. Computer science, computer engineering, forensic science, biology, nursing, and communications: that is the complete list of the majors that I had racked up during my failed time there. It wasn’t long after I started there that I attended EMT-Basic class and my life was changed dramatically and forever. I gave five years of my life to a company and a hospital that didn’t want to give me anything in return. I sacrificed the years of my life that were supposed to be fun and exciting and dedicated them to the assistance of others. Did that make me a hero? No… but it sure was fun believing that I could go out and save the world and make a difference in someone else’s life. After realizing that WVU wasn’t the answer for further my career and education, I found the Pennsylvania State University’s EMS program… and I will cherish my time there forever. I became a Paramedic and found my way to EMS Southwest. I have friends there that have become family. I love them and would do anything for them, not just because they would do the same for me, but because they are truly good and wonderful people. There is not a single person at EMS Southwest or any EMS service who does not make many personal sacrifices on a daily basis to do what we do.
I am still in college, and I feel like that may never change. I know that the journey of learning never ends, but damn… I’m ready to be done for a while. I’m working on my BS in allied healthcare administration and I’m not even sure where that will take me. Do I want to do an MBA? Yes, most likely. Would I love to go back to medical school? Of course, because I know I have what it takes to do it, but I don’t think I can make that kind of commitment now. Regardless, I know that I want to continue to try and obtain a better life for myself. No matter where I end up though, I know that I will always be tied to the words: Paramedic Unit. It’s what I do, and no matter how frustrated I may get at 2:30 AM when someone calls 911 because they are “under stress,” and “need that fintinillll(sic),” I still love what I do and wouldn’t trade it for the world because I touch lives. I haven’t in the past and likely will never in the future save the life of every patient, but I touch each one regardless of the outcome of the call.
Ah love, it’s a tricky (sometimes sticky ha… ha… ha…) subject, and one that I will only touch on briefly here, but it’s something that I must discuss given the nature of what I’m writing. While there are many, many, many different types of love, there are three types that I want to touch on in particular. I have so many close friends that I consider to be family members now. I know I could turn to many of you if I needed anything, and of course the favor would be reciprocated. I love my close friends and would do anything for them. In fact I remember telling someone I consider my baby sister that, “I would fight to my last breath to protect you.” These types of relationships don’t come around very often but I have many and for that I will be forever grateful. As far as my biological family goes, we are all much closer now, but I think it’s so sad that it took my mom’s declining health to get us to all come together. There was a time when I pushed my family away and I regret that because you can’t change the past and you can’t get that time back. Now to romantic love, the stuff of dreams, the passion that everyone, myself more than most, hopes to discover and cultivate into a lasting and fulfilling relationship. I’ve had three major loves in my life, and each had its own particular ups and downs, but… I’m not even sure what to say about them all. I just know that there has to be something better and it has to get easier. I hope so anyway. Matty was truly the love of my life, he was who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and then, in a whisper, everything was gone, destroyed, vanished… and all because of a stupid mistake and feelings. Stephen was the one that I thought had redeeming power and would effectively fill the void that was left in my life. I was wrong and misjudged everything. It’s amazing how deceitful people can be and blind we can be. Regardless, I suppose everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t know what that reason is.
In 2009 I obtained an Xbox 360 (the first gaming console I’ve owned since a Sega Genesis), got new furniture, got an AWESOME apartment, and fell in love with the sport we all know and love called golf. I also started a movie prop collection… yes; I know most of this was random. I’m not totally sure where my life is going to take me. I sit on my couch at this very moment and ponder my future. If I asked myself the same question that Mrs. Cole asked me ten years ago, I don’t have an answer. That would have scared me ten years ago, but now, well… it just makes me more curious than anything. All I know is this, I hope 2010 and this new decade beyond brings all of us much joy, happiness, and prosperity. The shift that I worked last night was ridiculously hard on my co-workers and me. However, I think this story is appropriate to tell. I had been dispatched to treat a very sick patient who was unresponsive. The patient slipped into a coma and despite all of the treatments I provided, I feared she wasn’t going to wake up. After transporting her to the emergency department for stabilization, I again was poised to take care of her during her transfer to a higher level of care. Her physician feared that a CVA had occurred in the brainstem and that she wouldn’t ever be conscious again, but I approached her as I approach most patients. I touched her arm and spoke her name. Much to my joy and amazement, as well as the amazement of the ED staff, the patient awoke from her coma without any deficits, looked at me, and smiled. If this story is any indication of how 2010 and beyond will be, I am most pleased and more excited than words can describe. While I realize that we will all have our ups and downs, life is good regardless of the difficult times.
“There’s only one thing about life we can be sure of ... it ain't over, till it's over …” – Meredith Grey, MD
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